There is a lot of joy in motherhood, but it can also be quite lonely for a multitude of reasons.
Perhaps you’re a very “out & about” social person and now you struggle to leave the house?
Maybe all your friends are in a different stage of life, and you find yourself feeling disconnected as the only one with a baby?
Maybe you’ve just moved cities and feel awkward making new friends during such a vulnerable season of life?
Here are some tips to help.
- Take 30 minutes a day to express your loneliness in a creative way.
- Before you just jump into “fixing” your loneliness, take the time to process the root of these feelings. Imagine a tree. Loneliness may be the rotten fruit you want to get rid of, but in order to really deal with it you need to get to the root. Art is an amazing way to gain insight processing your roots. You can either take the time to do this while the baby is napping- OR even better, do it WITH your baby.
- Play your musical instrument for them, paint next to them (or with them if they’re old enough!), dance with them, sing to them- this is a wonderful stage where you get to focus not only on your baby, but on yourself as well.
- Before you just jump into “fixing” your loneliness, take the time to process the root of these feelings. Imagine a tree. Loneliness may be the rotten fruit you want to get rid of, but in order to really deal with it you need to get to the root. Art is an amazing way to gain insight processing your roots. You can either take the time to do this while the baby is napping- OR even better, do it WITH your baby.
- Take a walk in a public place.
- Sometimes I just felt lonely because I was often in the house alone. Don’t stay cooped up, go take a walk in a public park or trail! Walking stimulates the brain to process thoughts and emotions better as well, and getting a daily dose of Vitamin D will benefit you and your baby. It’s such a simple but highly effective way to socialize yourself AND your baby! The public park is also a natural habitat for other mama’s, so if you’re looking to make new friends, this is a good place to start.
- Download the Peanut App.
- Peanut is a free app that is basically online dating for moms in your area. It sounds a bit awkward, but it’s a really great way to meet other moms. You download a picture of yourself, write a short blurb about your interests, and if you click on a mom that also clicks on you- it’s a match and you enter into an online chat where you can talk about motherhood and set up playdates at your own discretion. As with any online meet n greet, disclose as little personal information as possible and always meet in a public place. I’ve met several great moms this way!
- Join a mom’s group.
- If you’d rather jump right in and meet a bunch of moms in person, check out what local mom groups are in your area! Not going to lie, it can be a little tricky trying to have a conversation while your little monkey is swinging on something they shouldn’t, but that is also the beauty of mom groups- you’re all in the chaos together. When you put a group of tired moms and crazy kids together, there’s a sense of comradery–We’re all in this together! Even if this is really difficult for you, it’s a really great way to help your baby socialize so give it a shot! Typically mom groups also include “mom’s night out” opportunities to build friendships without being interrupted for snacks.
- Invite them INTO the mess.
- I love going OUT with my friends, but after having a baby there were plenty of days going out felt like an impossible task- and of course, those were also the days I needed a friend the most. In hindsight I wished I invited more friends into my messy home, but I didn’t dare because I felt insecure by the state of my house, the state of my hair, the state of my LIFE. I am a hot mess mama for sure, and in the beginning there was a bit of shame realizing motherhood wasn’t as easy as I’d imagined. Let your pride take a hike, and invite your friends over, because if they’re truly your friends they will understand that this is a vulnerable season and want to be in it with you. In motherhood don’t waste your time on “Fair Weather Friends” because there are storms headed your way, and you’ll want friends you can depend on.
- Video Chat!
- Maybe inviting people into your mess is still a big step for you- so a smaller step could be to facetime! It’s silly how easy our phones make it to connect with people all over the globe. Use it! Also a great way for people to see the baby & if you need a quick exit, what’s quicker than hitting a red button to hang up!
- Conserve your energy & invest in a few relationships
- Sometimes the loneliness is simply just feeling overwhelmed that there is not enough of you to go around. Rather than trying to maintain all your relationships at the same level as before, it’s ok to just invest in 1, 2, or 3 people to be your support system right now. Give yourself grace, you’ve got a lot to handle, but it is not making your load lighter to isolate yourself from everyone. So pick a few people who love you, are low drama, and you feel empowered by. Maybe it’s someone who’s always been there for you (like your mom or high school bestie), or someone you would like to get to know better (like a sister-in-law who had a baby or new mom friend).
- Communicate your needs clearer
- Figure out what you need for support in this season- a safe place to vent, a knowledgeable mama role model, a nonjudgmental hot mess friend, someone who doesn’t know what it’s like but always makes you laugh, someone who prays over you, someone who brings wine over– make a list of what you need and if there’s someone already in your life that fits, and reach out & communicate how they can be there for you. That last part is very important, TELL THEM why and how you need them, because there’s a good chance they don’t know unless you do.
- Be specific like, “I just need a safe place to vent, but I’m a bit burnt out on all the mom advice- could you come over & just lend me your ear? You’re such a great listener and that’s what I need right now”.
- OR “Ever since I had the baby, I feel like I’ve lost myself. Can we just talk about stuff unrelated to motherhood? I just need a mental break, maybe come over & let’s watch that new movie?”
- Or “Dude, this baby has not slept more than 20 minutes for the past 3 days and I need your mama wisdom- can you help me research reasons why and come over to help for an hour or so? I haven’t had a hot meal since Thursday!”
- The more specific you are about what you need, the better. They may not be reaching out because they don’t know how to help.
- Figure out what you need for support in this season- a safe place to vent, a knowledgeable mama role model, a nonjudgmental hot mess friend, someone who doesn’t know what it’s like but always makes you laugh, someone who prays over you, someone who brings wine over– make a list of what you need and if there’s someone already in your life that fits, and reach out & communicate how they can be there for you. That last part is very important, TELL THEM why and how you need them, because there’s a good chance they don’t know unless you do.
- Find a Friend in your Partner
- Having a baby can easily put a strain on your relationship because you’re both settling into your new roles as parents. Like a boat on the sea you can easily drift away without even realizing it. The best way to stay together is making sure your partnership is anchored by friendship. Make date night a priority- even if you can’t leave the house. My friends love to do a puzzle & take out on their date nights. I’m more into watching scary movies, beating my husband at strategic board games, & eating all the sugary things I don’t want our kids to see. It’s important to continue to do things that you did before you had kids and invest in what makes you laugh and feel energized.
- Get to know your new baby bestie
- It’s so important to build that bond & friendship with your babies. Don’t feel guilty that it doesn’t happen naturally. I loved my baby right away, but I was terrified & uncomfortable at the beginning, and that’s totally normal! (A LOT of moms feel guilty about that, but it’s no indication of how close you and your baby will be).
- Talk to your baby about everything. Even though your baby may not be able to understand, it is vital for their development to hear & watch you talk. Just be mindful of what you say and how you say it- scientific studies show that positive and negative words do have a physical effect on their subjects such as plants & rice. Here’s a short 2min snippet of the original rice experiment. Link: Power of Words
- Continue to invest in your hobbies and try to include your baby. If you love music, give your baby a rattle to play along with you. Read YOUR favorite books to your baby, the story can be for your enjoyment, your baby will be enjoying the quality time and interesting tonations of your voice.
- Take your baby to your favorite spots! Get yourself your favorite ice-cream, cruise around your favorite store, go to the beach, sing your favorite songs- and as your baby grows up you can continue to share those moments- although the books, the songs, the places & the activities may not be your favorites anymore but their favorites, the bond of doing them together will become your new favorite.
- It’s so important to build that bond & friendship with your babies. Don’t feel guilty that it doesn’t happen naturally. I loved my baby right away, but I was terrified & uncomfortable at the beginning, and that’s totally normal! (A LOT of moms feel guilty about that, but it’s no indication of how close you and your baby will be).
I hope these tips encourage you to make new friends & bring you closer to the loved ones already in your life. All moms need a support system. Best wishes on growing yours. Which tip or tips will you try?
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